Father's Day 2006

My name is Jeff Peet and I have been asked to speak for Father’s Day. My wife Karen and I have had 4 children – Alex, Justin, Caroline and Andrew. Before I reflect on my Fatherhood experience, I need to give you a little history about myself. I grew up in New Jersey as the oldest of 6 children. I have 5 sisters that range from 11 months to 7 years younger than me. When I was 11, our family moved to Florida. My dad was an alcoholic and left us when I was about 13. My mom went from staying at home, to working two jobs – one of them seven days a week. I unknowingly became the “man” of the house at an early age and took on the responsibilities for baby sitting, maintenance, repairs, etc. The most difficult part was sharing a bathroom with 6 women. I used to just wait until I got to school. I understand what it must be like to live in a girl’s dorm.

We had very little money or opportunity to do things as a family outside our home, but we did eat meals together. I had several good friends and as I grew older, I was occasionally invited to go on day trips by my friend’s parent’s to places like a theme park, movies or the beach and I remember thinking, “Wow, how cool that they would take me along with them”. I was involved in sports and did fairly well in school; fortunately, I was self-driven while trying to balance everything else in my life.

I also remember standing on the football field one evening as a senior in high school and not having a parent to stand with me on parent’s night because my mom had to be home with my sisters and she had to go to work at 3 in the morning. All of these experiences and then some, have played an important role in who I am as a Father today.

After High School, I met Karen and also an incredible dad. Her dad was a wonderful role model who I watched for the last 20+ years. He was a wonderful man and someone I would like to strive to be like- I’m not sure that I will ever be able to measure up -especially since he was 6’4” and wore a size 13 shoe.

I knew growing up that I wouldn’t mind having several kids. I liked the dynamics of a large family, but I could see the advantages of not getting too outnumbered. Karen and I married after college and three years later had our first son Alexander in 1990. He was very colicky and was diagnosed with a severe seizure disorder at 8 weeks of age. We were in and out of the hospital with him many times in attempts to change or add medications that would control his seizures. Alex was very miserable and difficult to console. We spent countless days and nights doing what we could. I have never had such long nights in my life as those which had me up with a child in agony and there was nothing I could do but hold him – the world can seem so cold and lonely at 4am. Alex’s development never progressed beyond that of a 4 month old and the all tests/procedures performed on him came back normal or negative. Even on multiple medications, he could have over 100 seizures in a 15 minute period or have just one that could last over 2 hours. There was no diagnosis for him, only that his brain was atrophying and he had seizures.

Sixteen months after Alex was born we were blessed with the birth of Justin. Believe me, there was some Devine intervention involved because the way we were going, we wouldn’t have decided that for ourselves. Justin was diagnosed as “ordinary” but we would just have to wait and see.

Dealing with a special needs child like Alex was extremely taxing physically, emotionally, socially, financially and spiritually. As a Father and an Engineer, I was continually trying to troubleshoot what we could do to make life better, but we seemed to have no control. Having to accept that your child will not grow up to be a superstar, a college graduate, high school graduate, maybe not even attend elementary school or that he may never be independent - it is all part of the acceptance process. Most parents will never have to go this low, but I had to as part of the grieving process. It is no better to be quick or drawn out, the low point is just as low. Think of a valley between two steep ridges and a deep wide river down the middle. You are on one ridge, called Today, and the other is called The Rest of Your Life. Some of us get flung off of the ridge directly into the river and have to climb out and up to the other side. Others find a gentle winding path to the valley floor and calmly wade into the river. No matter what, we all get wet, and it is still up hill to the other ridge.

On Christmas Morning in when Alex was only 3-1/2 yrs old, he unexpectedly passed away in his sleep. The first thought that came to my mind while holding him that morning was how glad I was that we had the opportunity to take care of him. For the next few months, a recurring thought echoed through my head that I wished I could have done more for him - I would have done things differently - If only I had known the end was coming. But wouldn’t we all if we only knew.

One year after Alex’s death we were back in diapers again with the birth of Sweet Caroline. She too was diagnosed as an “Ordinary”, but like Justin, we have discovered that they are really quite “Extraordinary”. Six months later, I had a job relocation and we decided to move up to Gainesville where we went to college. That’s also when we joined Queen of Peace.

In September of 1996, Andrew was born. At about 5 days of age we noticed seizures. After numerous tests and analysis of Alex’s medical records, there again was no diagnosis. We had brain scans performed about every six months and based upon deterioration of his brain, doctors estimated that he would probably only live for 3 to 3-1/2 yrs. I couldn’t believe it. Yet another ridge of my life that lays beyond another wide river. Justin was almost 5 and Caroline was almost 2. I guess God was testing me – now was his opportunity to give me that chance to see what I would have done differently with Alex.

As with Alex, I was very accepting of Andrew and proceeded to move forward to keep life as “normal” as possible for the whole family. As the kids have grown, I have enjoyed coaching many of their soccer teams, I’ve been a Scout Leader, I volunteer for projects at their school as well as help with the usual math or science homework. I punish Andrew by taking him to run errands at Publix or Home Depot just like his older siblings. I have opted out of the normal succession plan at work in an attempt to maximize my time away from work. Even in a stressful job, work at times has been the only break from the fast, unpredictable pace we often maintain at home. Even though Andrew hasn’t progressed developmentally beyond that of a 3 month old, he is with us everywhere we go and we continually adapt as necessary. Andrew has a very sweet disposition, but his extremely fragile respiratory system combined with illnesses still often put our life on an emotional roller coaster. We have quite an entourage of fabulous doctors, nurses, therapists, family and many friends that have helped support us over the years. We have also been sent a Saint from Catholic Charities (named Duffy Ronayne). She has helped give us respite care since Andrew was about 6 months old.

I am very proud of my son Justin who just graduated from 8 th Grade at St. Pat’s and my daughter Caroline who is just going into 6 th Grade for tolerating all of the unwanted attention that sometimes comes with having a special little brother that sometimes makes noise in church. Andrew is now 9 yrs old and I enjoy holding him most every evening - I believe Andrew is an angel on earth.

Losing a child is very difficult – we aren’t supposed to out-live our children – but the thought of it happening again can be unbearable. I know that God watches over us even through our trials- there is no way I could be doing it on my own.

I know that as men, we want to fix broken things. The trick here is to not think of our kids as broken. They are just kids. I believe that the best thing you can do is to guide them; to let them be the best person they can be. Love and acceptance can be more important than therapy and intervention. Our kids are eventually going to get to a place where you can feel pride and joy for them no matter what their circumstances are. Be ready for it.

Give your kids a kiss every night when you put them to bed.

It may be Fathers’ Day, but I know that it wouldn’t be possible for me without Karen. My experience has been totally a team effort which neither of us could have managed alone. I know that God watches over us and he won’t give us more than we can handle – but sometimes I just wish he didn’t rely on us so much.

“Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.”

Thank You and Happy Father’s Day!